Issue 196- "One Last Go 'Round, Part 4"

Written, pencilled, inked, lettered and colored by: Heath P. Lail

As I sit here tonight, in my dark room, recovering from God-knows-what knocked me on my ass earlier today, I'm feeling nostalgic. Not the "let me find that Spider-Man comic with the interesting moral dilemma" nostalgia, but more of a "I really feel damn old at 26" nostalgia. I feel like some friendships that have only lasted 8-9 years are deeper than those with people I've known since Kindergarten...and I miss those people. Oddly enough, most of them have come and gone.

Brooke, my confidant (and forever unattainable someone special) has been busy with her own life the past few months. She tries so hard to juggle so much that I really worry that she will fall one day. And she will allow no one close enough to help her up after the fall, so like everyone else, I won't know she's hurt until after she has dusted herself off and walked with a limp for three months. Those days with her at Ole Miss were so much simpler, it seemed--life didn't seem to be so encroaching then. We were not innocent, by any means--but simply more...free. I had the ability to be the master of my own destiny, 5 days a week. I could choose to go to class, or simply goof off in the Library all day long, reading whatever odds and ends I could find lying around. If I caught her at her apartment, I could go talk to her for the fleeting few minutes she always made for me, even tho she always seemed to be heading somewhere, while I never had anywhere to be. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy my job, as well as the new friends I've made there. But I feel intellectually dead there. It provides no outlet for my creative juices, no chance for growth--perhaps rigidity is my bitterest foe and I'm just now figuring it out. Nothing brings a smile to my face quicker than heading towards Oxford on a cloudy, gray day, listening to some sort of inane pop music, thinking back on those days...they seem so far away now.

Samantha chose her own path--a stupid argument over something very very stupid, and she chose not to continue a friendship that I thought would last forever. She gave me an outlet for various things that I could not speak about to anyone else. She gave me unusual counsel more often than not, but somehow it always seemed to make sense in a weird sorta way. When she was fun, she could be really fun; when she was pissed, she could be really pissy. I chose to show my pain over the loss of my Papaw to her rather than my own girlfriend at the time--what does that say about how close we once were?

I'm tired of being the strong one all the time. It seems that whenever anyone falls apart, they always fall on me. I have strong, broad shoulders, a good back and a great understanding of human suffering, as well as an exceptional ability as a listener.

But sometimes I hurt--and who is there to put me back together when I fall down?

Me.

Those of you who know me realize that I have this uncanny ability to get people to tell me secrets they would not confide in a Catholic Cardinal. They just...come out with it....and I process it for them. I can't help but to...my sense of humor deflects the greatest part of it, but some of that wild, wacky shit actually gets through.

Don't get me wrong--I don't want a pity party...I don't need pity. I need Stimulation. I need Challenge. My lack of physical presence leads many to chuckle when I'm presented with certain situations, but my strength lies in my mind. My body may not be as strong as others, but my mind is plenty strong...it's been made that way. I need an honest Thank You. I need a "Well Done, my Good and Faithful Servant". That's what I need, and that is what I am going to begin searching for...a purpose that I can call mine.

May you all have a great night....

Issue 195- "One Last Go 'Round, Part 3"

Written, Pencilled, Lettered and Colored by: Heath P. Lail

Well just wanted to say that the AOL Journal site has been transferred here. Thought I'd go ahead and do it while I had the time. Therefore, the Cafe got an earlier renovation than I had planned.

I'll be working on the site over the next few weeks, opening up walls and setting up new booths, so the place should be hopping in no time. After a new, fresh coat of paint and a few upgrades, we'll enjoy the pleasure of making this dinosaur into a sleek convertible.


Or maybe, just maybe...the Y8K bug will strike, and once again, a brand new #1 Journal will appear after the posting of five more issues. After all, I do enjoy long storylines, and a 8-issue storyline should suffice for one last hurrah for this old bird. Then we can all start counting down until issue 600 hits...hmmm, sounds interesting. We shall see.

Until then, I remain...

HPL

Issue 194- "One Last Go 'Round Part 2"

Written, pencilled, lettered and colored by: Heath P. Lail

Dammit. I have this Tetris Cube I bought Tuesday--I took it to work and a guy took it apart...I'm two pieces away fom putting it back together but I just can't make it work. But you know what? I'm not pissed...I'm not upset. I have been intellectually challenged and it feels really good. I like being presented with challenges and giving my brain a chance to grow and stretch.

What's really a bitch is getting into a rut, which I had been for awhile--but now I have a question mark staring at me, and I WILL TRIUMPH:)

Have agreat night, all.

P.S.--I just realized how much I will miss this space. After Halloween, I will have to log into blogger, then...oh well, enjoy while it lasts, folks...

Issue 193- "One Last Go 'Round, Part 1"

Written, pencilled, inked and colored by: Heath P. Lail

Well, boys and girls...we have come to the end of our collective road. Minus the reflective time necessary, coupled with the fact that this site will be closing the doors and shutting the lights off by the end of the month, I will not be finishing my personal Last Lecture. Oh, I'll constantly be working and re-working it in my head, and it WILL see the light of day, but hopefully not for many years.

I have shared many personal, painful lessons in life over the almost 400 issues I've poroduced since starting this series first iteration some 7 years ago. I would love to hit 600 in some form or fashion, but I don't enjoy the same simplistic interface at other sites that AOL Journals has afforded me so I don't think I will be starting a new chapter anytime soon. For those of you who have continued your support these years, thank you. Samantha House (now Wheatley) has been my most faithful reader, but unfortunately I cannot thank her here because we are not currently on speaking terms. Sam, it may or may not mean much, but thank you for your years of friendship and support. I am sorry that our frienship has been such an up and down, rollercoaster of a ride, but I will never forget the times you supported me and encouraged me to never give up on my dreams. I hope that you read this Sam, and when you do you will get in touch. I am giving you your space but I would really like to patch thing up soon.

That's that for the first part of our last tale. Look for part 2 tomorrow night. 

 

 

Issue 192- "Last Lecture, Part 2"

To continue, there is a fervent wish, more than anyone else I know, to return to the days of my youth (and what semblance of innocence therein). We all want to be young, faster, stronger and all that. We all go through those stages in life...but I attempt to trap my memories of better days so that I may return to their memory in times of great pain or distress--they are memories only, but I find what comfort I may in those days. Days where I was driving nowhere at all, with the time and wherewith to pursue whatever road, whatever fancy I wished. Many young people are growing up in our society at far too youthful an age...remember to allow your kids to dream, to grow their imagination...to live.

Many people feel that it is important to grow up quickly, develop a family and the obligations that go along with increased "maturity"...Hell, maturity ain't what you want it to be. Along with the maturity you seek comes hidden costs--you can't just up and go out whenever the mood strikes...now your partner must be invited along, for better or worse. Kids grow up and get sick, just like you did...they present bills at inopportune times in one's life. With a house comes the house note as well as insurance, upkeep costs, electric and water bills, and many other hidden situations where money reserved for going out generally gets used for a new front door, or something similar. You must reealize that growing up, you must take the good with the bad. Otherwise, you will fall victim to selfishness and greed, causing fights with your partner over things which you will (of course) prioritize differently. Learn to pick your battles...if your wife is sick, and needs you to help out with the children, are you sure that camping trip with the guys can't wait until next weekend? If your husband asks to alone in his thoughts and go for a little drive, shouldn't you be willing to spare him that time for reflection?

Remember the simpler days in your life where the responsibilities were less...but realize those days are gone forever. You simply can't relive your glory days or missed opportunities with people you thought/dunno/maybe loved or wanted to be with. Reflect on those good times when you need a "happy place" to turn to, but just don't try to live in that happy place because you'll only be let down by the reality of life.

Issue 191-"Last Lecture, Part 1"

Dearest colleagues and friends,

This day was coming...I fear that even after years of preparation, the words I put forth to you during this last informal speech will still be inadequate to full your expectations. Still, I shall try.

Over the years I have been blessed with many great things...a loving family, great friends and very lovely women who loved me despite all my faults as a human, and more importantly, as a man. Mostly importantly is the loving God who cherishes my life and wants nothing but my best, every day that he chooses to bless me with breath. It is here that I feel I have failed...though God has blessed me with all the things listed above for many more years than I've deserved, still do I remain a hypocrite at the end. Still I try to tell people how to live their lives, when for years I have lived in a fantasy realm--a realm where my actions have no equal and opposite reaction. In doing so, I have hurt those whom I love most and wished only to call friend. I have abused their trust, their love, more times than I care to remember, yet they always return to me with arms wide open.

As a man of academia, I fear that religion has been one area of the academic world that is sorely lacking in clarity within my own life. Though I have great knowledge of multitudes of culutures and their corresponding religions and could eshew you their virtues with the tide and time, my own sense of conviction has been as weak as the C student who merely glides through classes, ignorant of the impending doom that awaits him upon application to any reputable graduate program. 

This is the first and imminantly most important reason that I am giving my Final Lecture during this week...I seek closure within my own heart as to my status in my claimed religion of Christianity.

(more to come)

 

Issue 190- "Life is Good"

Written, pencilled and inked by: Heath P. Lail

Well well well, I've got some explaning to do, it would seem. I've been away for quite a while; I went out to find myself, and though I'm still not 100 percent certain that I'm together, I'm no Humpty Dumpty anymore.

I have a purpose, and I have a woman who loves me. I have my health, my family and many good books to keep me company. I also have friends who will stand with me through thick and thin.

I've been thinking that life is grand right now, and that assessment would be correct. There are so many things I look forward to doing all over again (kinda like Corn Flakes; taste em again for the first time, y'know?) now that I have found my center again. Things like walking down Riverside Drive Park in the afternoon hand in hand with Leslie, watching the sunset over that grand old river. Taking a drive up to the hill behind the house and holding her while watching the star-filled sky twinkle over head. Living, loving--small things to some--are bigger than life to me once again. Though I'm not writing again yet, I am brimming over with ideas that would make great stories. Now I just have to find the time to write them down lol.  

I hope everyone out there has a great night and I'll be back with more filling material soon.

H