Issue 129- "Retrospect, Part One of One"

Written, Pencilled, Inked Lettered and Colored by: Heath Parker Lail

As I sit here tonight, I know not what to say. Upon speaking to my good friend Brooke the other night, I have learned that my ex is possibly neurotic on many levels, and that it was no fault of mine that she left me. I learned that she will be a danger to her baby whenever and wherever she may become pregnant. It will be my legal responsibility as a practicing psychologist to direct the proper authorities to her when this happens, so that her baby will have the possibility of a normal life...that weighs on my heart heavily. I know in my heart that with proper treatment, Shauna's illness could be treated and she would not hurt people like she has hurt me. Yet another part of me is quite upset at her for lying to me and leading me on when she knew all along that she would not stay with me forever.

This Cafe has been a place of solace for me in times of stress...I could come here and talk to you all about damn near anything, and I would receive sage advice in return. I hope you have enjoyed the last true "story arc" I completed, the "Philosophy of Life" issues. There is no Philosophical terms to feel how betrayed I feel.

Instead I feel used and thrown away, even though Shauna is incapable of understanding or caring what she does to people. It is her disease, yet she is not intelligent enough to see that without proper treatment she will NEVER be happy. Whatever crazy shit she is looking for, she will never find solace and peace in one person. It is the unfortunate mixture of genetics and chemical imbalances that destroys her personality, and her chance at a real life. Instead of being upset at her though...I feel tired. I've been treating my first patient for four years, and I failed. I FAILED.

Brooke told me that without a doctorate (to lock her away for involuntary help) and access to medication (to correct the imbalances in her chemical makeup) I have done all I can, and that I am just the first in a long line of people that will be hurt by Shauna throughout her lifetime. I believe this, yet I feel sorry for all the others that she will trick into believeing her lies. Brooke told me not to worry about the "next poor sonofabitch", it will be his problem to deal with. I find no solace in this...I feel as though I am a failed psychologist before I even begin. I didn't see...how could I have known...no one wants to suspect their lover of being unfaithful, but her mistake goes further than simply being unfaithful. It is pure and simple lying to me, and those of you who know me are aware that liars and rude folks get my attention quicker than anything else.

Everyone makes mistakes in their life, and Shauna and I had no small share of mistakes between us. Everyone chooses parts of them to keep secret, things that no one knows about, even the closest of friends and even lovers. Therefore, trust is a massive part of any relationship, especially these days, when people no longer feel that the once-sacred vows of engagement and marriage are important. If you can't trust your "other half", who the Hell can you trust? People have forgotten that marriage is a sacred instution between one man and one woman, whom are placed together as one in name and life. They are supposed to be soul-mates, specially attuned to the needs of the other...these days, people no longer see their vows as sacred. "So what if I marry the wrong person the first time around? I'll just go find another one." No, DAMN IT....that IS WRONG. You are not supposed to go into a relationship saying "If it fails...." you are supposed to go into a relationship with the idea that this is a person who means more than life and you would throw yourself in front of a bullet to protect. For these reasons and the fact that killers abound, I have no fear in a shortage of patients upon becoming a psychologist. I made mention to some one the other day, and said "God sure had it right when he used the analogy of sheep and Shepard. We walk around all day in a haze, forgetting that there is ONE who is greater than us, and sometimes he must prod us to send us in the right direction."

Love is sacred-- Love is true-- Sometimes though...love can make you blue.

Fear not, Mrs. Debbie and others...I'm not going on a pity-party...instead this has strengthened my resolve to be the best psychologist I can. I am extremely naive about the world...I want to believe that inside, all people are inherantly good but that simply isn't true. People are inherantly hollow...unless God enters their life, they have no purpose here. Unless God is driving their car, they don't know where to go. I guess you could say that a person's body is like a house where the electricity is cut off. Unless the power (soul) is cut on, their purpose and drive lies dormant until he comes in.

Sorry, I'm rambling...it is just that these thoughts need to come out, so that my heart can heal, and my soul can search for someone who honestly loves me no matter what. I ask everyone to pray tonight and every night that we wake up and see that we must constantly tell those we love how special they are to us, lest they doubt us. Let no one feel unloved. Pray that those who are lost...both those lost like Shauna( mental problems), and those who know not our loving God, find their way home so that we may all live in harmony together. Love one another...forget not those who help you in times of need...listen to others needs and help when possible...show people who are lost that true love does exist, and it is not just a myth. For those of you who have someone to love tonight, don't go to bed without telling them how special they are to you...I would if mine was still here.

Best to you all, Love in Christ

Heath